The Struggle
Life after the World Race hasn’t been all that glamorous for me. If anything, it has been the hardest season of my life so far. It’s been full of heartache, disappointment, and struggle; not at all the beautiful, bright season I thought I was going to walk into. This season has tested my resolve and drive to its core, and I’m finally starting to see the other side, the promised land. Before I get to that, I’m going to let you all into the struggle; because I believe that is what makes the next season brighter.
When you finish the Race you talk a lot about the difficulties that you will face upon your return, all the challenges and temptations you left behind in your past. I felt good about them all, I mean for the first time ever I was actually pursing the Lord with all I had. I was riding high, taunting the world to throw all it had at me. The world answered, and I took a direct hit straight to my heart. This didn’t happen until about a month after I got home, and it made the fall all that more painful. I was lured into a sense of security and false-confidence, and I began to rely upon myself instead of the Lord. This ended in me being unable to stand firm after a particular nasty hit to the heart, and I slowly began to unravel and fall away. I retreaded deep into my own strength, and per the course, I faltered and hid.
The time I spent with the Lord became few and far between. The mask that I laid down on the Race made its return. I claimed to be just peachy and fine. I mean, how could I be struggling after such a wonderful 9 months with the Father? I saw all my squad mates flourishing, how could I admit that all my foundations I built were slowly deteriorating all around me? I couldn’t, so I kept all my hurt and struggles to myself, never fully revealing the whole truth of my struggles. The fact was that I hadn’t spent time with the Lord in two months, and I knew it. I thought of it quite often actually; I knew where I was, I just could not bring myself to sit before the throne. So I carried on, staggering about with my dwindling human strength.
I now know exactly why I did what I did, and it’s nothing big or surprising. I was full of shame, shame that I was so easily broken by the world around me. I returned from the peak of the mountain, only to immediately be broken down. I figured I could plug my own holes, only to be defeated at every turn by the things around me. I wasn’t strong enough to wage this battle, and I was to ashamed to reach out. I made halfhearted attempts to show where I was at to my closest people, never fully giving them the whole picture due to my shame. I was my own undoing, and I couldn’t bare for those closest to me to see that.
So where am I at now? To be honest, it’s a little complicated. See I’m still in this weird battle of self; knowing what the Spirit is calling me to do, yet feeling the need to do something else. I feel like I need to rebuild it all, but the Lord is calling me continue onward. It’s like I feel the need to sit in the Gospels and rebuild all that I know about Jesus; but the Lord is saying to go read in Nehemiah, that I am capable of picking up where we left off. Here is an analogy that I thought of to describe what I feel like, it makes sense to me at least. So it’s like reading a book I started but never finished. I see where my bookmark is, but I’m worried I don’t remember all that preceded that chapter. I want to start over, just to cover all my bases; but I remember it all, I’m just sitting in fear and worry about forgetting.
I’m sick and tired of this place. I am going to pick up my book where I left off, because I know full well where I was. I will not allow fear, worry, and shame to continue to rule the actions of my life. I will enter into this next season with full knowledge that the Lord is behind me, that he is good. Here is where I lay down all my shame and fully admit that I was struggling. There is only good things that can come out of admitting this, and now my brothers and sisters can rally around me. There is no fear in love, right? So what do I have to be ashamed of? The Lord stands before me, and I am going to boldly pursue him!
Well thanks for sticking around and catching a glimpse of my heart everyone! I leave for CGA in a short 3 days from now, and I am so, so excited! But to get there, I am in dire need of financial support! My first goal is in a short 5 days, and I am in need of $500 to get there! If I do not reach this goal, I will be unable to attend CGA. I know that the Lord is calling me here, to better equip me for the plans the he has for me. So please, please help send me! You can donate at the top of this page, and it would be such a huge blessing to me!
Love and blessings, Tucker Stevens
