I Don’t Know

We all have those breaking moments with the Lord, the one that absolutely shatters your perception of yourself. You know the one, we’ve all had it. That moment where you just feel all the things, the things that you absolutely do not want to feel. You’re pulled face-to-face with all your mess, and a shift begins to occur inside of you. Sometimes it’s wonderful, and sometimes it’s not; it really just depends on what you’re running from.

When you’re in the position of seeing your deepest hurt and insecurities, you’ll probably have a couple different reactions. Some have this glorious moment of clearness, and they just completely see the goodness of the Father. Others see things that they really don’t want to face, and they get pretty mad. I fall into the latter category, and I wasn’t exactly what you picture a discipleship student to look like.

I wasn’t composed and kind. I was angry, hurt, and beyond upset by the things inside me. I started yelling at the Lord and more than a few obscenities came flying out of my mouth. When you allow the floodwalls that you’ve crafted inside of yourself to come down, your mess comes out like a torrential flood. You get overwhelmed and confused. You havev no clue how to carry the unconcious burden you’ve held for so long. 

See I’m not exactly a feeler; and some where deep, deep inside of me, I am very jealous of all my friends that are. To be honest, I’ve fallen asleep to myself. All the mess and hurt that is inside of me is buried deep, down below. I’m coming to terms with it, and it is so hard. To spend time with the Lord is a struggle because I know what we will have to talk about when I actually take the step to improve myself. It’s hard and I really don’t know what I’m chasing after, but the Lord is good. I know at the end he will be the same, even if I won’t be. So CGA is looking like a journey of self-growth and awarenesses?, and it’s an intimidating road. But the Lord is calling me down it, so I will continue on.

As I kick off the third week of classes, I am still in need of $2,000 for my next goal. I have a little over a week to meet it, and I’m still looking for people to partner with me! The Lord has spoken over me to boldly ask; so here I am, laying down my pride and asking for help. If the Lord calls you to partner with me, you can do so at the top of my blog!
All the love,
Tucker Stevens